Depression: The Demon Inside Me

Depression is my childhood friend, the midnight voices inside my head. It’s kind of like having something eating at you from the inside out. It feels like something is weighing you down all the time, controlling your every move, and you don’t feel like doing anything. Loneliness has developed an authority where my thoughts are my family, always fussing about the wrong I have done. I feel as if I’m falling through a never ending black hole and I’ve no way of escaping. Depression makes you block out the positive in your life, and only let’s you see the negative. It is poisonous and toxic, but depression has been part of my life for as long as I can remember.

I struggled with my sexuality in the past and could never accept the fact that I was gay. I got bullied at school for being “different” to everyone else. I went through stages of self harm and insecurity. In fact, to this day I’m still vulnerable but I can manage it a lot better than I used to. I remember a few months ago I was having mental breakdowns constantly. One day I randomly started crying at my work, for no reason. I just felt tired and weak. I had cuts on my arm and had to wear a bandage which made it more obvious. I even turned to meeting strangers from the Internet and having unprotected sex. At the time it felt like the best thing to do but looking back I realise how stupid I was. To have my body being used like that just makes me feel even more ugly. It makes me physically sick. I hated myself. I used to take my anger and frustration from these events out on people close to my heart. I would lash out and hurt them, because I wanted them to feel the same way I felt.

When someone tries to make you happy, no matter what they do, at the end of the day you’re still feeling depressed and weighed down… It’s like being sad, but lasts a lot longer. It’s constant. It just never goes away. People think it’s just a way to seek attention. I don’t think they realise how much it hurts and that there is more to it than just being sad. I feel as though, the older I get, the more fragile I become. I’ve lost a lot of friends because they didn’t understand. They just got sick of me being sad. They don’t understand the pain. Imagine closing your eyes at night and your brain just won’t switch off. It’s like a million voices just screaming over and over again. Most nights, I end up just crying myself to sleep to drown out the noise.

I’m sick of people telling me I’m strong. I’m not strong. Going out everyday, having to paint my face with a smile to satisfy everyone else…. That’s what I find difficult. I have to not show any signs of how I’m really feeling because I know if I do, people will start asking questions. I don’t like the attention, in that sense. I just want to be left alone.

Most days I just want to curl up in a ball and be left alone in a dark room where no one can hurt me. I feel that sometimes, I fade away into someone else, until I myself, don’t even recognise who is staring back at me in the mirror. It makes me sick seeing my own reflection sometimes because in my head, all I can think off is how worthless I am, and how lonely I am. How depression took over my life. Depression told me I’ll never be happy, and here I am, afraid of everything.

I hardly socialise anymore, because I know I will ruin everyone else’s day, so instead, I spend my days hiding behind a locked door, in darkness. One day, I begged my depression to leave me alone but it refused. It made me suicidal! It made me want to find the nearest bridge or walk on the road. I think to myself “Wouldn’t I just be better off dead?” All that goes through my head is that a fastened rope can take away my pain.

I have tried medications, therapies, counselling, psychiatrists but none of which seem to work…. so for the majority of my life, I’ve learnt to deal with my own depression. I’ve learnt to “get a grip” as people tell me constantly. But should I really be living like this?

To all of you who are suffering, it’s ok to not be ok. I want you to know that you’re not alone in all of this. Those feelings that you’re feeling are valid and you’re not wrong in your emotions. But you do need to know that this is not a way of life. Every day should not be a bad one and every morning should not be a struggle. If you’re feeling unexplainable sadness or having thoughts of harming yourself or others, it’s ok to talk to someone. You don’t have to live in the darkness forever. Harming yourself will not fix your problems. Those toxic coping mechanisms are causing bigger problems in themselves. I promise you that they will not make any of this go away. So stop! Reach out to your loved ones and those who you can trust. Scream as loud as you can until they hear you and listen to what you have to say. It’s not always about getting answers, in fact, it’s never about wanting answers. It’s about knowing someone is there, to listen to you, so you know that you’re not alone.